


Spades to Hearts

by desukanachu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, also this is probably a doomed timeline, but i'd rather not think about that ( T _ T ), implied sex, moving through all the quadrants, not canon but some canon events do happen in here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-21
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-15 17:36:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/852201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desukanachu/pseuds/desukanachu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dave breaks up with Terezi because she has a hatemance going on with Gamzee but then finds himself accidentally in a hatemance with Karkat. Things happen and they eventually get to flushed territory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Black

==> Dave: Leave

You close the door to your girlfriend’s (ex-girlfriend, you remind yourself) room (respiteblock, whatever, just because you went out a troll doesn’t mean you gotta learn their jargon) as quietly as possible. You try really fucking hard not to let your cool façade slip. You somehow managed to keep it cool back in the room but your fists are clenched and shaking and you’re hurt and angry and fuck you hate that clown.

Not the way _she_ hates _him_ though.

You raise your hand to slam it into the wall but stop yourself at the last second (what’s a second anymore anyway), remembering that you’re still outside her room.

You remember too late that she could probably smell your anger. You’re kind of past caring. Or at least, that’s what you tell yourself.

You quicken your pace and the entire time you walk you keep thinking about how much you hate, no wait, not using that word anymore, it’s just going to bring memories of the stupid hatemance she’s got going on with the missing clown (fuck that guy), strongly dislike (now that just sounds stupid) the quadrants shit the trolls have (fuck troll culture).

You’re so caught up in your thoughts that when you round the corner you bump into Karkat.

Fuck. Not him. Usually you can deal with him, heck, sometimes it’s even fun, but you’re just not feeling it today.

     KARKAT: WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING, ASSHOLE.

Too bad Karkat can’t take a hint.

     DAVE: fuck you

You can’t believe that you actually can’t come up with something better. You must be really out of it. Unfortunately for you, Karkat notices.

     KARKAT: WOW. I AM JUST STANDING HERE IN AWE OF HOW AMAZING THAT COMEBACK WAS.  
     KARKAT: HAVE YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO STOP BLABBERING ON AND ON ABOUT SHIT THAT’S COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT AND MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL?  
     KARKAT: WHAT A RELIEF.

You’re getting really annoyed, and when Karkat starts to open his mouth again you’re so tired of his shit that you take out your sword and swing at him.

Karkat actually manages to take his sickles out in time to block you, though it’s not a very good block, and he looks completely taken by surprise. He recovers quickly though and snarls at you, baring his teeth (you’d be laughing in any other situation).

Damn trolls. You forget sometimes (almost all the time) that they lived in a world where slow reactions pretty much meant death. But at least this means you get a good strife. You haven’t had one in much too long and you hadn’t realized how much you missed the thrill of it. You can feel the adrenaline beginning to rush and a grin almost spreads across your face.

Karkat practically pounces at you (you briefly wonder if that’s a troll thing or if that’s where the “kat” in his name comes from), and you deftly dodge to the right and his sickles hit the ground instead. You swing at him again while his sickles are still stuck in the ground, but he gets one of his sickles out in time and blocks you again. He takes his other sickle out of the ground and throws it at you. Good thing you’re fast enough to dodge that too. You’re really enjoying how obviously frustrated he is.

He begins moving to get the sickle he threw, but you’re definitely not going to let it be that easy. You continue to strike, the two of you exchanging blows and taunts down the hallway down to where his second sickle is. Right before he’s able to pick it up, you take advantage of your long legs and kick it away. Karkat glares at you (nothing new, though this glare is admittedly a bit more intimidating than his usual ones) and curses at you. You just smirk at him, knowing that’ll just rile him up more.

You don’t expect him to use the flat part of his sickle to disarm you. Your sword lands somewhere just out of your arm’s reach and now he’s the one smirking. Son of a fuck.

     KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR KICKING MY SICKLE.  
     KARKAT: LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE JUST ANOTHER STUPID PINK MONKEY WITHOUT A SWORD.  
     KARKAT: JUST A WEAPONLESS, DEFENSELESS PINK MONKEY.

Your eyes narrow (not that he can see) and, taking advantage of your ability to flashstep, you appear behind him, use all your strength to knock him over, take his sickle from his hand, and use his own weapon to trap him against the ground. Karkat scowls from below you, his neck trapped under his sickle and his body trapped by you sitting on him.

     DAVE: what was that you were saying about a weaponless defenseless pink monkey  
     DAVE: whos without a weapon now  
     DAVE: yeah thats right its you

You briefly consider making a SBAHJ reference, but Karkat is growling at you again, and he suddenly kicks you off of himself. His sickle goes with you and you “accidentally” fling it across the hallway to join his other sickle.

To your surprise, he doesn’t chase after it. He grabs you instead and next thing you know the two of you are having a wrestling match, which really sucks because Karkat’s actually the stronger one. He has you pinned against the wall with no escape now and you curse.

You’re even more surprised when he smashes his lips against yours.

You kind of just stand there frozen in shock for a moment because what the fuck is Karkat kissing you when the two of you were just attempting to beat each other to bloody pulp a few seconds ago?

You taste blood and you’re pretty sure it’s your own because Karkat’s teeth are really sharp and he doesn’t seem to care that he’s completely bloodying your lip. Kissing Terezi was way better.

And then you remember Terezi and the clown and all your anger comes rushing back and next thing you know you’re kissing Karkat back just as furiously.

Even kissing Karkat becomes a fight as the two of you struggle for dominance. You manage to kick yourself off the wall and pin Karkat against the opposite wall, but he immediately flips your positions so that you’re trapped again. This continues for a bit until he knocks your head against the wall hard enough for you to feel really dazed, and proceeds to drag you to a room.

A room that happens to be yours.

You thought he’d drag the two of you to his room.

You figure it’s convenient though, and by now you’ve recovered enough to push him against your bed.

Somewhere in the back of your head you think to yourself that this is probably a really bad idea, but you ignore the thought and continue kissing Karkat.

You don’t care if trolls are probably used to sharing. This is probably the only way you have of getting back at the damned clown for taking away your girlfriend.

It doesn’t occur to you until the next morning that you might’ve fallen into the exact same relationship with Karkat that Terezi has with Gamzee.

==> Dave: Be Karkat the next morning

Fuck fuck fuck.

This was not supposed to happen. This was not what you thought would happen. Damn your future self for being vague.

You inwardly groan and bury your head in your hands. You weren’t supposed to wake up practically naked next to Dave Strider. At this point you can’t tell who you hate more, yourself or your future self or the guy still sleeping next to you. You try really fucking hard not to remember what had happened and hastily get off the bed (which is admittedly comfortable) to find your clothes.

You abscond from his respiteblock as quickly as possible.

And of course the first thing you do when you get back to your own is get your husktop so that you can yell at your past self for the stupid thing you just did.


	2. Ashen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave enlists the help of Rose. That may or may not have been a good idea.

==> Dave: Wonder how the fuck you got into this situation

It’s been over a week since the incident and every day after that has been nothing but (fighting with) Karkat, (having sex with) Karkat, and (fighting some more with) Karkat. Every day has also been falling asleep tired and sometimes beat up with an equally tired and sometimes beat up Karkat and waking up alone.

You don’t even know how you managed to end up in a relationship with Karkat (you also don’t know why you’re so damn attracted to a beat up and bloody Karkat).

Okay. You’re going to find Karkat. You’re going to talk to him. You’re going to make it clear that this kismetfish thing or whatever has to stop because it’s messing with your head.

You keep telling yourself that right up until you reach his room. Then you stand there for a few minutes like an idiot before finally forcing yourself to knock. After a few moments, the door opens.

               KARKAT: WHAT.

Somehow, the moment he says that, everything goes flying out of your head, your mouth twists into the smirk you know he hates so much, and next thing you know his fist is flying towards your face (probably to wipe that smirk off). You barely dodge it.

               DAVE: woah not the face  
               DAVE: god put a lot of effort into making my face this beautiful k  
               DAVE: dont wanna ruin all his hard work do you  
               KARKAT: SHUT UP. I AM YOUR GOD.  
               DAVE: here we go again with your god complex  
               DAVE: need i remind you whos actually god tier here  
               KARKAT: I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.  
               KARKAT: WHAT DOES TEREZI EVEN SEE IN YOU?  
               DAVE: you did not just fucking go there

Your smirk, which had been present the entire time, fades and you glare at him. The idea of telling him about what’s going on between Terezi and Gamzee crosses your mind, but you brush it away. You’re not that cruel.

Karkat seems pretty pleased about finally managing to get the smirk off your face though, so just to piss him off some more you go back to smirking at him. Karkat’s expression changes from pleased to pissed off and your smirk grows wider.

He grabs you and forces you against the wall, going at your lips as if that alone could wipe that damn smirk off your face (it kind of does) and while your teeth aren’t as sharp, you can still bruise up his lips and use your nails to dig into his sides and stomach (which you’re pretty sure is a pretty sensitive place) while his claw into your shoulders. He goes for your neck and bites down hard, and the pain reminds you for a moment what you actually came here for.

               DAVE: holy shit karkat  
               DAVE: this needs to stop  
               DAVE: dude stop are you even listening to me  
               DAVE: you little shit would it kill you to stop going at my delicious pale neck for a goddamn moment  
               KARKAT: WOULD IT KILL YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP?  
               KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO RUIN THE MOOD NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME.  
               KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE YOU IN MY BLACK QUADRANT WHEN YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY SHITTY AT BEING A KISMESIS IN EVERY ASPECT BUT THE PHYSICAL ONE AND YOU’RE EVEN RUINING THAT ONE RIGHT NOW.  
               KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

Your breath hitches when Karkat finally lifts his head from your neck to look at you in the middle of his rant (which you stopped listening to the moment he said quadrants because you still can’t deal with this troll shit even when you’re a part of it). Everything you were preparing yourself to say dies in your throat as you stare at his lips smeared with candy red blood, and you lick your lips subconsciously. He’s still looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to say something. What were you going to say again?

You don’t even bother to remember and go back to kissing him. Karkat seems perfectly willing to go along.

You wake up the next morning alone and feeling like shit again (why does the sex have to be so fucking good). You sigh and run a hand through your messed up hair before logging into Pesterchum. Your shades never come off, even during sex.

      turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

               TG: rose  
               TG: i need your help  
               TG: yeah thats right im actually asking for your help rose holy shit someone call the fucking press  
               TG: except i guess the press disappeared with the rest of the world so theres no press to call  
               TG: rose what the fuck are you doing can you not see i am in a fucking dilemma here some seer you are  
               TG: you should be dropping everything you have for this  
               TG: rose i am serious are you too busy making out with your alien girlfriend or something  
               TT: Hello Dave.  
               TT: I have dropped everything to listen to your problems, as you have requested.  
               TT: By the way Dave, her name is Kanaya and she is not my girlfriend. Please stop overstating our relationship.  
               TT: Now, what do you need?  
               TG: whatever theres obviously something going on between you two  
               TG: and  
               TG: uh  
               TG: shit this is hard  
               TT: I presume this has something to do with Karkat?  
               TG: dammit rose can you be any less blunt  
               TG: how did you even know  
               TT: Contrary to what you believe, I do see things. As does Kanaya.  
               TT: Obviously, there is something going on.  
               TG: oh fuck she knows too goddamn how is anyone supposed to keep any secrets on this meteor  
               TT: The two of you haven’t exactly been subtle about it.  
               TG: yeah ok well  
               TG: to put it bluntly  
               TG: im having hatesex with karkat  
               TT: Dammit Dave, can you be any less blunt?  
               TG: oh my god rose you did not just fucking do that  
               TG: i am so fucking done  
               TT: Just having a bit of fun at your expense.  
               TG: when do you not  
               TG: can you help me or not  
               TT: I’m afraid I don’t know what it is you need help with, dear brother.  
               TG: its just  
               TG: i cant keep doing this rose  
               TG: its tiring as fuck and messing with my head and even if it feels great at the moment i always end up regretting it the next day  
               TG: but even knowing that i cant stop  
               TG: i dont even know how this happened its driving me crazy hes driving me crazy every time i see him i just have to fucking bait him  
               TT: Are you saying you require an auspistice?  
               TG: what the fuck is that  
               TT: I suppose you can think of it as someone who mediates between you two to prevent any fights from breaking out.  
               TG: oh  
               TG: I guess yeah  
               TT: I’ll see what I can do then.  
               TG: omg thank you rose youre a life saver

You suddenly feel a rush of affection for your genetic sister and breathe a small sigh of relief.

               grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]  
               GA: Hello Dave  
               GA: Rose Has Informed Me That You Need Help That I Can Supposedly Give  
               TG: god dammit rose

Any affection you felt for your dear sister a moment ago suddenly vanishes and you slam your head against your knees.

==> Dave: Be the other guy 

You always make sure to leave before Dave wakes up. You’re pretty sure things would get even more awkward otherwise, plus Dave is already a pretty shitty kismesis and you’d prefer to not stick around in case he messes things up even more. Who knows what habits humans have the morning after. 

You hit your head against the wall and wonder why all your relationships are so damn shitty. Not only is Dave a shitty kismesis, but Gamzee is a pretty crappy moirail too. Not that you’re any better. You know that everyone expects you to always know where he is, but you don’t. It makes you feel like you’re not taking enough responsibility for him as a moirail. He showed himself to you a lot at the beginning, but he hasn’t been showing up a lot recently and you hate to admit it, but you’ve been getting really lonely. Dave at least gave you some form of company as a kind of kismesis. 

That doesn’t make what you do with him any easier. 

You grab your husktop and start a memo to rant at your past self. You’ve been doing that every day after waking up and getting back to you respiteblock now. That also means that every day your future self has been ranting at you for all the stupid things you’re about to do. God, you hate your future self for doing those things. You also hate your past self for being about to do those things. You just really hate yourself. You also hate Dave Strider for being an insufferable prick and for those stupid shades he never takes off even during sex and for always having either a stupid blank expression or a possibly even more stupid smirk on. 

Fuck everything. 

==> Karkat: Go back to being Dave 

You are staring at your shades in disbelief. You’re also feeling kind of embarrassed because did Rose seriously just bring Kanaya into this? 

You don’t really want to be you right now. 

==> Dave: Be Karkat again 

Fuck that. You don’t want to be you either. 

==> Karkat: Be Kanaya 

Rose had told you that Dave needs help, and that you’re probably the only one on the meteor at the moment who can give it. She did not give you any more details, so you just went ahead and messaged Dave. You are currently waiting for Dave to say more than “gdi rose” and you have been for quite some time now. 

                grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

               GA: Dave Is Not Saying Anything  
               GA: What Exactly Is It That He Needs  
               TT: I was hoping that I would not have to be the one to tell you.  
               TT: But to put it bluntly, Dave needs you to auspisticize between him and Karkat.  
               GA: Oh  
               GA: Should That Have Been Obvious  
               TT: Perhaps, but given the lack of context, perhaps not.  
               GA: That Is Very Comforting Rose  
               TT: Is that a bit of sarcasm I detect there, Kanaya?  
               GA: Perhaps 

You should probably return to your conversation with Dave. 

               GA: According To Rose You And Karkat Need An Auspistice  
               GA: And I Must Agree With Her That It Probably Would Have Been Better If You Had Replied Earlier And Told Me Yourself  
               TG: yeah sorry i just didnt expect her to get you to help  
               TG: actually no what am i saying i shouldve expected that  
               TG: why didnt i  
               GA: Is That Supposed To Be Rhetorical  
               TG: yeah i guess so you dont gotta answer  
               GA: Okay  
               GA: So Are You Okay With Me Being An Auspistice  
               TG: sure whatever ill take whatever i can get  
               GA: To Be Honest I Am Not Too Confident In My Abilities As An Auspistice Anymore And The Fact That You Are Human Does Not Help  
               GA: Oh Okay  
               TG: well fuck that doesnt bring me a lot of comfort but whatever  
               GA: I Will Do My Best  
               TG: uh  
               TG: thanks  
               TG: and sorry i guess that was kind of rude  
               GA: What Was Rude  
               TG: never mind  
               GA: Okay  
               GA: Now Are You Willing To Tell Me How This Started  
               TG: wow rude  
               TG: asking about personal shit like that  
               GA: Sorry But I Will Need More Information If I Am To Auspistice  
               TG: dammit

Dave tells you some things, but you think there might be more things he is leaving out. You thought that Terezi would play a role in the situations somewhere, but she had not been mentioned at all. You are a bit curious, but you decide to leave it be.

==> Kanaya: Be Dave a few days later

Holy shit Kanaya is scary. And so is lipstick. You never thought that you would be almost killed by lipstick, but this was lipstick that could turn into a whirling chainsaw in less than a second.

Said whirling chainsaw is currently pointed towards you. This bites.

               KANAYA: Dave  
               KANAYA: Please Stop Fighting With Karkat  
  
In any other situation, you would protest that Karkat started it (how can Troll Will Smith be better than Will Smith), but you’re kind of being held at chainsawpoint here. Meanwhile, Karkat is standing behind Kanaya, looking just as scared, which you think is a bit unfair since he’s not the one about to be killed by a chainsaw.

Kanaya had taken her role as auspistice very seriously and had even gone as far as to follow either you or Karkat around just in case one of you ran into the other and started something. Unfortunately, that also meant that Rose was also present all the time.  
  
Speaking of Rose, she’s probably getting a kick out of this, the traitor.  
  
               KANAYA: Karkat You Have To Put Your Sickle Away Too  
               KARKAT: BUT TROLL WILL SMITH! AND THE THRESH PRINCE!  
  
You fall over laughing (partly from nervousness and partly from the title The Thresh Prince oh my god that is GOLD) and end up on the floor clutching your stomach while everybody else stares at you. Karkat is staring at you in disbelief.  
  
               KARKAT: PLEASE DO ENLIGHTEN ME ABOUT WHAT’S SO FUNNY.  
               KARKAT: BECAUSE I’M AFRAID THE THRESH PRINCE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.  
  
You continue laughing like an idiot.  
  
               ROSE: I believe you just broke Dave.  
               DAVE: shut up rose im perfectly fine see  
  
You calm yourself and stand up. Kanaya has put her chainsaw away, which is a relief. Karkat is still staring at you in disbelief, but when you look over at him, he abruptly looks away.  
  
               ROSE: What a shame.  
               ROSE: Perhaps it’s about time we introduced you to troll romance novels?  
               DAVE: aw hell no  
  
While you look horrified, Karkat has brightened up, and before you can say anything he’s gone and fetched one of his (probably many) troll romance novels. Oh dear lord. He returns quickly with a gloating look that you would really like to punch. Except Kanaya is here.  
  
Well, just because you have to listen to alien trashy romance novels doesn’t mean you can’t be sassy about it.  
  
               DAVE: well here we go  
               DAVE: story time with karkat aw yeah  
  
You are definitely talking and interrupting him throughout the whole thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of thanks to Slyjinks for telling me how to do the pesterlog fonts and colors!


	3. Pale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kanaya has to take care of Rose after Rose fell down the stairs and Dave and Karkat start hanging out with the Mayor in Can Town more often.

==> Kanaya: Take care of Rose

Ever since the incident in which Rose kissed you and then proceeded to fall down the stairs, you have had to watch over her so that she would not do anything to aggravate her injuries, which included many bruises and a broken neck.

Though you have to admit that spending more time alone with Rose is quite pleasant, you feel guilty because you have not seen Karkat or Dave much in the past few days. You hope they are doing alright without you. They had been behaving pretty well recently, almost seeming to get along aside from the still constant bickering, so you think they should be fine if you stay with Rose for a few days. You are quite sure that things will go back to normal after Rose recovers.

You do not consider the idea that Rose might continue to drink after recovering and that you find yourself busy with that instead.

==> Kanaya: Be your matesprit’s brother

You haven’t been able to come up with any decent raps recently, and it really sucks being pretty much stuck in time and not having any new material to work with. The only new material you have is troll romance novels and you’ve already made enough raps about them just for the sake of pissing Karkat off. Riling him up is hands down the most hilarious thing.

It doesn’t help that Kanaya hasn’t fulfilled her promise of reading you some troll slam poetry since she’s been so busy taking care of your sister. You don’t really want to intrude on them; you’re not that inconsiderate. You are bored though. Really bored. Maybe you should go hang out with the Mayor at Can Town. Yeah, that’s a good idea. The Mayor’s always a cool dude to hang out with.

==> Dave: Be Karkat

You’ve pretty much been alone for the past few days. Still no sign of Gamzee, Terezi may or may not be avoiding you, and Kanaya’s with Rose.

You sigh. Maybe you should go to Can Town? You’ve never really actually gone there to hang out with the Mayor. You’ve only ever watched Terezi and Dave doing things there from afar. You also always told yourself you were above such inanity, but playing around with nutrition cylinders suddenly doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea.

You’re not sure why you’re surprised to see Dave already there. Then again, you don’t think that Dave or Terezi have been here recently.

DAVE: oh woah youre here too didnt expect that  
DAVE: let me guess you were feeling so lonely that you decided to come down here looking for company  
KARKAT: I WASN’T LONELY. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I BE LONELY? IT’S NOT LIKE HALF OF MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD AND THAT I HAVEN’T SEEN THE OTHER HALF IN DAYS.  
KARKAT: THANKS FOR THE REMINDER YOU PIECE OF SHIT.  
DAVE: dude chill youre scaring the mayor with your yelling  
DAVE: what is the point of yelling even it doesnt get you anywhere  
DAVE: see the mayor is nodding his head he agrees with me  
KARKAT: FINE. I’LL BE QUIET.  
KARKAT: here. are you happy now?  
DAVE: oh god you almost sound like me except you dont really because our voices are completely different but i feel like somehow we almost sound exactly the same  
DAVE: never mind this is creepy go back to shouting  
DAVE: hey mayor you okay with him shouting dont worry hes not really that scary  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU.  
DAVE: shoosh youll scare the mayor again see look at the poor guy  
KARKAT: DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST TELL ME TO SHOOSH?  
DAVE: dude im just telling you to be quiet im not doing whatever weird troll thing you think im doing  
DAVE: just stop scaring the mayor omg  
KARKAT: WELL I TRIED BEING QUIET BUT APPARENTLY YOU DON’T WANT THAT SO I GUESS I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO KEEP SPEAKING LIKE THIS DO I?  
DAVE: urghh  
DAVE: this is getting nowhere lets just sit down and  
DAVE: do stuff in can town  
DAVE: you agree with me dont you mayor  
DAVE: aw yeah i knew we understood each other  
DAVE: high five  
DAVE: youre totally jealous of that rad high five arent you karkat dont you wish you were tight enough with the mayor to high five him too  
KARKAT: I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO GRACE THAT STUPID QUESTION WITH AN ANSWER.  
DAVE: its okay karkat the mayor is like the coolest youll be best buds with him in no time  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHY I KEEP QUESTIONING IF YOU’LL EVER SHUT UP WHEN IT’S OBVIOUS THAT YOU NEVER WILL.  
DAVE: holy shit youre learning  
DAVE: never been so proud  
DAVE: tearing up here little karkat is finally growing up  
KARKAT: AAAARGHHHHHHH

The Mayor is looking back and forth between you two, as if wondering if he should intervene. You figure you’ll save him the trouble and stomp off to another part of Can Town. You stop yourself from kicking over the nutrition cylinders while you’re at it because you’d prefer not to get onto the Mayor’s bad side.

After a while the Mayor nods in approval over what you’re doing and joins you. You almost send a smug look over to Dave. Almost. You actually stop yourself.

You’re actually feeling pretty happy by the time you go back to your respiteblock.

==> Karkat: Be the Mayor

You’ve always been a bit wary of the grey text not human knight, especially since he had always shouted rudely at the windy one and was always glaring at your precious town ever since you arrived. Ever since he started visiting Can Town a few weeks ago, however, he has been pleasant company, even if he does still yell a lot. He argues a lot with the red text knight though, even after all this time. Like right now.

KARKAT: DAVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING.  
KARKAT: STOP DESECRATING CAN TOWN WITH YOUR LEWD DRAWINGS.  
DAVE: what how could you call these masterpieces lewd  
DAVE: why is good art never appreciated it brings tears to my eyes  
KARKAT: I QUESTION IF YOU EVEN HAVE EYES AT THIS POINT. DO YOU EVEN SEE THE CRAP YOU’RE DRAWING?  
KARKAT: IS THAT WHY YOU’RE ALWAYS WEARING THOSE STUPID SHADES? BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE ANY EYES?  
DAVE: okay that was literally the most stupid thing ive ever heard you say and that is saying a lot  
KARKAT: YEAH, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT THAT WAS PRETTY STUPID.  
KARKAT: HAHA.  
DAVE: holy shit are you laughing  
DAVE: karkat laughed the world must be ending  
DAVE: oh wait it already did  
KARKAT: HAHAHA, I AM JUST DYING WITH LAUGHTER HERE.  
DAVE: okay karkats back to normal now we can all calm down  
KARKAT: WOW. IS IT REALLY THAT SURPRISING I HAVE FEELINGS OTHER THAN ANGER AND BITTERNESS?  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: …YEAH, ACTUALLY I’M SURPRISED TOO.

Or maybe they’re actually getting along?

==> WV: Be the grey text guy

You are currently staring at your husktop in shock. The screen is covered with grey text and purple text.

After weeks of no contact whatsoever, Gamzee had finally decided to contact you.

Through Trollian.

To end your moirallegiance.

You had expected this, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. The relationship had been dying for a while now, with him almost never being around, with him not sharing anything with you anymore.

You feel like you’ve messed up. You feel like you’ve been useless this entire time.

When you start crying, it’s more because of those thoughts and less because you just lost your moirail.

==> Karkat: Be Dave

You’re at Can Town again. You’ve been spending pretty much every day here recently with Karkat and the Mayor, and it’s actually been pretty fun. Karkat isn’t here yet, which surprises you. He had started showing up earlier than you after a few weeks.

You surprise yourself when a smile begins spreading across your face as soon as you hear what are obviously Karkat’s footsteps. Woah, when did you start looking forward to hanging out with him? You quickly wipe the smile off your face by actually making a wiping motion over your face and then turn around.

You’re about to make some kind of quip about him finally being here, but then you actually see his face.

There are dried red streaks going down along his cheek.

For a moment you freak out because holy shit is he bleeding from his eyes until you remember that pretty much all fluid that comes out of trolls is the same color as their blood color except diluted. You pretend to not remember why you know that.

Well this just became kind of awkward. You’re not really sure what to do.

DAVE: uh  
DAVE: hey karkat  
DAVE: you okay?  
DAVE: shit that was a pretty stupid question to ask wasnt it  
DAVE: is that why youre not answering me  
DAVE: wait no dont answer that either that wasnt even really a question  
DAVE: except you probably already know that  
DAVE: so uh  
DAVE: whats up  
DAVE: fuck that was probably too casual  
KARKAT: YOUR LACK OF SENSITIVITY NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME.  
DAVE: holy shit youre speaking again  
DAVE: i mean  
DAVE: yay youre speaking again  
KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO COME HERE.  
DAVE: im sorry okay  
DAVE: im not good at this stuff  
KARKAT: I CAN TELL.  
DAVE: urgh im trying okay  
DAVE: here wanna touch my cape will it make you feel better  
KARKAT: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT TOUCHING SOME PIECE OF CLOTH WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?  
DAVE: i dunno man you always seemed to have this weird thing with it  
DAVE: and i guess its also kind of like  
DAVE: an offer of friendship?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: karkat?  
DAVE: youre not speaking again  
DAVE: holy shit karkat are those tears oh my god no  
DAVE: whatever it is i said im sorry okay  
DAVE: whats that thing that trolls do again  
DAVE: shoosh pap?  
DAVE: shoosh karkat no more crying only friends now  
DAVE: pap pap  
KARKAT: DID YOU REALLY MEAN IT?  
KARKAT: I MEAN THAT THING ABOUT FRIENDSHIP?  
KARKAT: ARE WE FRIENDS NOW?  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: yeah i guess so  
DAVE: are you gonna take my offer or what  
KARKAT: …YEAH.  
KARKAT: THANKS DAVE.  
DAVE: so now that youre all nice and wrapped up in my cape are you going to tell me whats up  
DAVE: is there anyone i gotta beat up  
KARKAT: THIS IS GETTING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO PALE TERRITORY.  
DAVE: son of a fuck is this more troll romance stuff  
KARKAT: PRETTY MUCH.


	4. Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dave and Karkat are confused teenage boys.

==> Dave: Attempt to be a human moirail

It’s hard being a human moirail. It’s hard and nobody understands.

(You’re pretty sure that this is actually true and not you being stupidly melodramatic because as far as you know no human has ever been in a moirallegiance with a troll).

It’s not that you have no idea what the quadrant was about. Karkat had explained the quadrant to you the moment you both (just Karkat really) realized that your relationship was getting pretty pale. You had actually listened.

KARKAT: THE THING ABOUT MOIRALLEGIANCE IS THAT IT’S ABOUT BALANCE.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS WHY IT’S USUALLY BETWEEN SOMEONE VIOLENT AND SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS MUCH MORE PEACEFUL.  
KARKAT: THE CALMER ONE PACIFIES THE ONE WITH MORE DANGEROUS TENDENCIES.  
KARKAT: USUALLY, THE MORE DANGEROUS ONE IS ALSO THE STRONGER ONE, SO HE OR SHE OFFERS PROTECTION IN RETURN.  
KARKAT: A COMMON STEREOTYPE THAT’S ACTUALLY KIND OF TRUE IS THAT HIGH BLOODS TEND TO BE MORE DANGEROUS, AND THOSE WITH LOWER BLOOD COLORS TEND TO BE LESS SO. AS A RESULT, A MOIRALLEGIANCE IS USUALLY BETWEEN SOMEONE OF A HIGHER BLOOD COLOR AND SOMEONE ELSE OF A LOWER BLOOD COLOR.  
KARKAT: THE BEST EXAMPLE I CAN THINK OF IS EQUUIS AND NEPETA, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THEM AND I’D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT THEM YET.  
KARKAT: THERE ARE SOME OUTLIERS TO THE BLOOD COLOR THING, LIKE ERIDAN AND FEFERI, BUT I’D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT THEM EITHER. 

At this point, Karkat’s voice had started breaking down and he was looking like he was trying really hard not to cry again, so you had put your arm around him and started the papping thing again until he was able to start again with your prompting.

KARKAT: AND AS WITH ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP, IT HAS TO GO BOTH WAYS.  
KARKAT: I GUESS THAT’S WHY IT ENDED UP NOT WORKING OUT BETWEEN GAMZEE AND ME.

Oh. You had been wondering about that. Especially considering that…

Your line of thinking had actually led to you getting pretty angry and you started swearing up and down that you were going to kick Gamzee’s ass and then Karkat had put his arm around you and started shooshing you.

That basically made the whole weird human-troll moirallegiance thing official. 

And it worked out for the two of you. Maybe the two of you didn’t balance each other out in the usual troll sense since neither of you had any really dangerous tendencies (though Karkat would still like to claim otherwise and you did stop him from jumping off the meteor to join a bunch of ghosts to hunt down some dangerous swole green space pimp that one time), but it worked. He was the passionate to your calm and you the calm to his passionate. And it seemed that each time the two of you hung out together, he would become just a little more calm and you would be able to show just a little bit more of your emotions (you also started picking up some troll vocabulary but that’s not the point).

No, the problem isn’t the quadrant itself. The problem is that you’re human, and as a human, you are getting really fucking confused. 

Because as a human, you can’t distinguish between moirallegiance and matespritship like a troll can.

The two of you cuddle and have feelings jams and you can’t help but feel like these are activities that normal humans do as boyfriends or girlfriends (not that you would know what normal romantic human activities are) and you’re starting to question if you consider Karkat as more than just a platonic bro for life.

It doesn’t help that he’s the only person you hang out with anymore besides the Mayor. It also doesn’t help that you’ve started having dreams in which the two of you are doing incredibly corny things like holding hands while blushing and kissing and you whispering things into his ears and you are blaming the romcoms he makes you watch with him for this (you also blame the fact that you’re a teenage boy with hormones stuck on a meteor that consists only of your sister, her girlfriend, your ex, your ex’s hate boyfriend who happens to be an elusive clown you never see, Karkat, and the Mayor).

It’s hard being a moirail when you want to mack on your moirail. It’s hard and nobody understands.

(That’s not true, but you wouldn’t know that.)

==> Dave: Be the troll side of this weird human-troll moirallegiance

You are very confused because you never read anything about this in your romcoms, which is a bit strange because you thought you’ve seen everything. You’ve never heard of a relationship that went from black to ashen to pale before though. Usually, it was just black vacillating directly to red and vacillating back.

Then again, romcoms never showed relationships between trolls and humans since humans didn’t even exist at the time.

You’re starting to think that maybe you’ll just have to accept that humans are just really bad at quadrants.

Especially Dave.

Dave is so confusing that it’s almost infuriating and you think that if you weren’t careful you might end up going black for him again. He keeps sending the most mixed signals you’ve ever seen and you’re pretty sure that even you weren’t this bad with Terezi. He riles you up sometimes only to calm you down right after and you are just so confused. It’s probably a human thing.

Recently he seems to have started throwing in some red signals too. It’d be obvious if you weren’t so confused and if you had no idea how things actually worked for humans. Human relationships sure are weird. As far as you can tell from what you’ve sampled, they’re like a messy blend of every single quadrant.

You’re really confused, so obviously the best thing to do is watch more romcoms for research.

==> Karkat: Be the guy who’s forced to watch romcoms with you

And here we go again. Romcom time with Karkat. You’ve alchemized a bunch of popcorn just for these occasions. The two of you are sitting so closely together that the huge popcorn bowl rests are one of each of your legs. You’ve got your arm and your cape around Karkat’s shoulders and he’s kind of leaning into you while watching and eating popcorn. He’s explaining various things about the romcom to you too, but you’d still rather just kind of tune it out.

You’ve taken to looking at him recently though. Watching him react to the romcom is usually much more amusing than actually watching the romcom itself. And you kind of just like looking at him. You tell yourself it’s ironic (and you’re aware that you’re reaching) and that there is no way that you’ve got a crush on your bro (nope nope not going there you don’t think he’s cute what).

You’re still staring at him and starting to lean a bit close to him without realizing it. You really don’t realize how close your faces are until he turns around to tell you something and finds himself barely a centimeter away from you.

Thoughts running through your head include fuck he caught me staring at him and fuck this is awkward.

Other thoughts you really don’t want running through your head include memories of the days when the two of you pretty much hated each other.

And suddenly more thoughts like fuck he’s attractive and fuck I really want to kiss him start running through your head.

All those thoughts actually go through your head in less than a second and you would swear that there is literally some weird magnetic pull going on between your lips and Karkat’s lips because next thing you know the two of you are literally have sloppy makeouts on the couch. You have no idea who closed the gap first.

You’ve pulled Karkat over so that he’s on top of you and the popcorn bowl has fallen to the ground and great now there’s popcorn all over the floor but at the moment you don’t give a fuck because the only thing you’re thinking about is Karkat’s body and lips pushing down against yours. You’ve got your arms around his back and they’re running up and down and his hands are in your hair and your lips are moving against each other’s the way it did before and it’s just as passionate but there’s no struggle for dominance there’s no teeth there’s no blood it just feels like pure passion and-

Karkat suddenly stops abruptly and pulls himself off. You almost feel disappointed and there’s a sudden wave of coldness. You pull yourself up from your lying down position as well and blink a few times. Then you finally come to your senses. Fuck.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.  
DAVE: i dunno man you tell me i aint the self-proclaimed relationship expert here  
KARKAT: I’M NOT A SELF-PROCLAIMED RELATIONSHIP EXPERT, I *AM* A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT.  
DAVE: pft yeah okay whatever you say  
DAVE: but we all know that youre about as much of a relationship expert as i am a paleontologist  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PALEONTOLOGIST?  
DAVE: yeah you see the thing is we just dont know  
DAVE: well technically i do know i just dont know how to explain it  
DAVE: i guess you could say its a guy who looks at dead things  
DAVE: sounds really cool though like hey what are you oh im a paleontologist shit son thats about the most rad thing i ever heard  
KARKAT: I SEE NOTHING “COOL” ABOUT LOOKING AT DEAD THINGS.  
DAVE: yeah see karkat theres the difference between you and me  
DAVE: your appreciation of cool is just nowhere near mine  
KARKAT: YEAH WHATEVER SO ARE WE JUST GOING TO IGNORE WHAT JUST HAPPENED  
DAVE: uh  
KARKAT: I GUESS WE ARE.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: TIME TO GO BACK TO WATCHING THE ROMCOM.  
KARKAT: PAY ATTENTION THIS TIME DAVE.  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: okay

The two of you proceed to stare straight ahead awkwardly. There’s still popcorn all over the floor. You figure you’ll deal with it later.

Unfortunately, you have to deal with the fact that you probably have a big and completely sincere crush on your bro right now.

Fuck your life.

==> Dave: Be the guy you just made out with

In retrospect, it was a really bad idea for you to suggest going back to watching the romcom with all the couples have sloppy makeouts all over the place.

Past you is just so incredibly stupid.

You try to justify what just happened to yourself. Sometimes moirails kiss. Then again, any kisses that happened were completely chaste and platonic kisses, not passionately sloppy, and great, now you’re thinking about it. Dammit, your mind is not supposed to be going there.

You are so fucking confused.

And you’re probably developing red feelings for Dave Strider.

Who you’re pretty sure has no clue what he’s actually doing and who is just as confused as you are and who probably doesn’t actually have red feelings for you.

Fuck your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said they'd get to red territory, but I never said they'd actually confess! -shot- I don't know, I guess it's possible for there to be a sequel addressing that, but for now they will be confused teenage boys forever.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
